A Writing Strategy For Lazy, Unmotivated Fucks Like Me

Are you a lazy, undisciplined bastard who struggles with writing consistently? Is procrastination one of the biggest things holding you back from achieving your goals?

Great! Then this is the article for you.

Background: I’m a real lazy sack of shit. Today, I ate no less than fourteen chocolate chip cookies for breakfast before lying in bed for twelve hours and watching House of Cards on Netflix until my eyes hurt.

I didn’t even brush my teeth. Seriously.

And now it’s 8:52pm on a Monday night, my room is sweaty and suffocating, I haven’t done anything all day, and worst of all, I’m out of chocolate chip cookies.

In short: I am indeed qualified to be writing about being a lazy sack of shit.

But — hold on. Something isn’t right. Why am I writing in the first place? If I’m such a godforsaken lazy bastard, why am I taking precious seconds out of my House of Cards marathon to provide my modest 131 followers with (probably) bathroom reading material?

Because I’m using the very strategy I intend to now educate you about.

Drum roll please…

The Definitely Scientific Strategy: Write 87 Words Everyday Before Bed

That’s right. 87 words exactly. No more, no less.

Why 87, you might ask?

Without boring you with incredibly dense neurobiological literature, 87 is the ideal number of words to be writing for several well-thought out reasons:

  • 87 is smaller than 88 and larger than 86
  • 8 minus 7 equals one
  • Poop

That’s right. Poop.

Anyway, real talk: the actual purpose of writing 87 words before bed is because of the well-worn idea that something is better than nothing.

I chose an arbitrary number less than one hundred for the simple reason that, at first glance, writing 87 words sounds attainable to nearly everybody.

On top of that, once you hit 87, you’re not likely to stop. 87 words is too many for a zingy one-liner or moody poem, but too few to conclude an argument or flesh out an actual story. You’re more likely to stop at something like 100 or 150 instead.

So why is 87 so important?

Because having an incredibly short word count, out of necessity, forces you to exceed your goals. And if you can get yourself in a habit of exceeding your goals consistently, then you can begin the long and arduous process of self-growth… and maybe even make something of yourself eventually.

Want proof? I started this article with the intention of writing only 87 words, but now I’m at over 500.

And while it’s not my best work… it’s not terrible either.

It has a weak sense of structure, it’s mildly funny (admit it, you chuckled), and it provides the vague notion that I’m trying to help you better yourself. Some might go as far as to call it valuable content (although that’s mostly me).

Pretty cool, right?

So there you have it. The next time you find yourself covered in cookie crumbs watching a House of Cards marathon, give 87 words a try.

You might just surprise yourself.

(or you might just go back to being a lazy sack of shit. Either way, it got you away from the cookie jar for a few minutes)

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